An Only Child

FullSizeRender[6](Me and 13 month old Arizona)

As a young girl, I dreamed of becoming a mother some day. I was raised in a fairly large family (I have 3 sisters and a brother) and wanted something similar for myself.

But, as it turned out, I had an extremely challenging pregnancy. And then, I had an extremely challenging newborn. I kept waiting for Arizona to “grow out of” her issues and afflictions; but they ended up just morphing into new and different hurdles and now here we are 9 years later and I’m still waiting for normalcy to hit. Exhale!

A few years after Arizona was born, I got pregnant again. It wasn’t planned and was shocking news. I wasn’t sure I wanted another baby. I could barely manage all of Arizona’s needs; what more could I handle? My second pregnancy was worse than the first. I was so sick and unable to function. But eventually, as the pregnancy continued forward, I was overcome with a sense of peace : Aha! This decision was greater than me.

A few weeks later, my ob/gyn confirmed that my baby’s heartbeat had stopped.

I felt sad, but I also felt guilty. During the height of my sickness with pregnancy #2, I told the baby I didn’t want it. Terminating the pregnancy was a thought that crept into my mind more than once.

Needless to say, one of the biggest feelings I’ve had to work through as a mother is GUILT for not being able to give Arizona any siblings.

At the same time, I had a strong epiphany a few years ago, in an intense session with my therapist : it is absolutely OKAY for me to “just” have one child. I am no less of a mother for it.

We all have our unique journeys and being a mother to an only child is part of mine.

How did you envision your family structure? What was surprising and what wasn’t? What are the “PROS” to your current situation?

7 Comments on “An Only Child

  1. Thank you for sharing such a real, raw, vulnerable testimony. It was so honest and I think it’s great that you were brave enough to share this because women can breathe a sigh of relief when they can relate, but find no solace. I have one son and hope to have more, but if this is all God intends, that’s fine with me. We are so pressured to go so many different ways, but no way is the only right way. Sounds like you have the perfect family just as it is and your love can all go to one place!! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • You are welcome — thank you so much for your feedback! I agree; there is so much pressure no matter what our lives look like. I realize when I continue to JUST be grateful for everything that IS right in my life; all is good! PS) Your son is a little cutie pie!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. This is so AWESOME Susanna. I am totally impressed at how much you shared – it is so hard!!! Anita told me you were amazing and she was right – you seem incredible. I am so bad at SM but I tried to post it everywhere and I will also try to subscribe! LOVE IT LOVE IT!!! xoxoox Amie Cairo

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you AMIE!!! So grateful for support from my fellow MAMAS who really get it. Yes, it’s so hard! Impossible! And, we are here, still standing – sometimes even thriving (imagine that!) — Thanks for the LOVE!

      Like

  3. Thank you for your honesty. I didn’t expect to have a child with autism. I never knew parenting my daughter (“normal” child) could be more difficult than raising my son sometimes!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I know — so hard to “plan” anything having to do with parenting! I should have gone into parenting with ZERO expectations, but that wasn’t realistic. Anyway, here we are – living our lives and accepting / appreciating all of the things that make our journeys unique!

      Liked by 1 person

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